Why Expressing Love Isn’t Enough to Get or “Keep” Commitment
Introduction: The Gap Nobody Talks About
You’ve read the books. You’ve taken the quiz. You know your love language is “Quality Time” and his is “Acts of Service.” You’ve been consciously speaking his language—handling logistics, helping with tasks, showing up practically.
And yet… commitment never comes.
Or worse – You’re in a relationship, you’re doing everything “right,” and you can feel him pulling away anyway. Month after month, the relationship stagnates. He’s present but not invested. He enjoys the benefits but avoids the future.
Here’s what The Five Love Languages never addresses: knowing how to express love doesn’t create commitment. Expression and commitment are two entirely different psychological processes.
The Commitment Equation by Kevin Canyon tackles what Chapman’s framework ignores: the actual mechanics of why people commit, what makes them stay, and what you can do when a relationship isn’t progressing toward the future you want.
This isn’t just a difference in focus—it’s a fundamental difference in what each book can actually help you achieve.
The Five Love Languages: A Quick Overview
Author: Gary Chapman (Baptist pastor and marriage counselor)
Published: 1992
Target Audience: Married couples seeking better communication
Core Premise: Every person has a primary “love language”—a way they prefer to give and receive love. The five languages are Words of Affirmation, Quality Time, Receiving Gifts, Acts of Service, and Physical Touch. Relationship problems often stem from partners “speaking different languages.”
The appeal is obvious: it gives couples shared vocabulary and a simple framework for understanding miscommunication. “I feel unloved when you don’t spend time with me” becomes “My love language is Quality Time.”
But here’s what the love languages framework cannot tell you: whether someone is actually capable of commitment, what stage your relationship is really at, or what’s causing that nagging feeling that things aren’t progressing.
The Commitment Equation: A Quick Overview
Author: Kevin Canyon
Published: 2025
Target Audience: Women in existing relationships who want to nurture and foster commitment
Core Premise: Commitment isn’t about expression—it’s about the decision for exclusivity based on accumulated relationship experiences. The equation is simple: What You Want From Him = What He Wants From You. When the experiences you share make alternatives invisible, commitment follows naturally.
Canyon provides a complete framework for understanding:
- The three phases of relationship progression (Dating, Initial Relationship, Commitment)
- The hierarchy of needs at each phase (Superficial → Emotional/Relational → Behavioral)
- The 5:1 positive-to-negative experience ratio required for relationship satisfaction
- The “6 Month Rule”—why men know within six months whether they want to commit
- How to diagnose and cure “mixed signals”
- How to become “the obvious option” he doesn’t want to lose
Point-by-Point Comparison
1. What Problem Each Book Actually Solves
The Five Love Languages
Problem it solves: “I’m trying to show love but my partner doesn’t seem to feel it.”
This is a valid problem—but it’s a communication problem, not a commitment problem. The love languages framework assumes both partners are already invested and simply need better tools for expressing that investment.
Problems it can’t solve:
- Why is he still not committing after years together?
- Why does he give mixed signals?
- What’s causing him to pull away emotionally?
- Is this relationship actually progressing or just coasting?
- How do I know if he’ll ever be ready?
The Commitment Equation
Problem it solves: “Why won’t he commit—and what can I actually do about it?”
Canyon addresses the questions Chapman never touches:
- The mechanics of commitment: Commitment occurs when relationship experiences outweigh alternatives. It’s not about feelings—it’s about accumulated positive experiences creating a decision for exclusivity.
- The timeline: “If he doesn’t know after 6 months, he’s probably never going to know.” Men gather enough experience within six months to determine relationship potential. After that, hesitation usually means no.
- Mixed signals decoded: Behavior is the highest form of communication. Words, plans, and stated goals mean nothing compared to consistent behavioral investment.
Verdict: Love languages helps you express love better. The Commitment Equation helps you understand why commitment isn’t happening and what to do about it.
2. Scientific Foundation
The Five Love Languages
A 2024 comprehensive review by Emily Impett at the University of Toronto found no empirical support for Chapman’s three core claims:
- People don’t actually have a single “primary” love language
- The five categories show significant overlap and may be arbitrary
- “Matching” love languages doesn’t predict relationship satisfaction
Chapman admits in his book that he “has not written this book as an academic treatise.” The framework emerged from pastoral counseling, not research.
The Commitment Equation
Canyon builds on established relationship science:
- Gottman’s 5:1 Ratio: Research shows relationships require 5 positive interactions for every negative one to feel satisfying. Canyon applies this directly to the “Relationship Experience Wheel.”
- Social Exchange Theory: People evaluate relationships by weighing rewards against costs and alternatives. Commitment occurs when current relationship > perceived alternatives.
- Gottman’s Divorce Prediction Research: Studies achieving 90%+ accuracy in predicting divorce based on interaction patterns—the same patterns Canyon teaches readers to recognize and modify.
- Joel et al. (2020): Research showing 45% of relationship satisfaction comes from feeling your partner is committed. If you don’t feel invested in, satisfaction drops by nearly half.
Verdict: The Commitment Equation is built on peer-reviewed relationship science. The Five Love Languages is built on intuition.
3. Framework Depth
The Five Love Languages
The framework is deliberately simple: five categories, a quiz, and the prescription to “speak your partner’s language.” That’s it.
No framework for relationship phases. No understanding of how needs change over time. No tools for diagnosing when things aren’t working. No guidance on what to do when communication alone isn’t solving the problem.
The Commitment Equation
Canyon provides a multi-layered system:
The Three-Phase Model:
- Dating Phase — Evaluating options. Primary focus: Superficial Needs (attraction, basic compatibility)
- Initial Relationship Phase — Testing the waters. Primary focus: Emotional & Relational Needs (nurturing behavior, shared activities, emotional connection)
- Commitment Phase — Decision for exclusivity. Primary focus: Behavioral & Habitual Needs (reliability, emotional intelligence, consistent patterns)
The Relationship Experience Wheel: A diagnostic tool covering all areas where positive (or negative) experiences accumulate:
- Financial Experiences (investing in each other, goals, future)
- Intimate Experiences (physical touch, reciprocity, exploration)
- Emotional Experiences (being heard, valued, prioritized)
- Lifestyle Experiences (day-to-day, week-to-week, novelty)
- Social Experiences (couple friendships, family integration)
- Conflict Experiences (how you handle disagreements)
Additional Chapters Include:
- “Becoming the Obvious Option” — How to create relationship dynamics where he can’t imagine being without you
- “Mixed Signals Cures” — Diagnosing what’s actually causing confusing behavior
- “The 6 Month Rule” — The timeline for commitment decisions and what it means if you’ve passed it
- “Relationship Belief Mapping” — Finding hidden objections holding the relationship back
- “Commitment Conversations” — How to have the talk when you need clarity
Verdict: Love languages gives you one tool. The Commitment Equation gives you an entire diagnostic system for understanding and improving relationship progression.
4. The 6 Month Rule: The Framework Chapman Never Provides
One of the most powerful concepts in The Commitment Equation has no equivalent in Chapman’s work: the 6 Month Rule.
Canyon’s observation from years of relationship coaching:
“If he doesn’t know after 6 months, he’s probably never going to know. In fact, if he doesn’t know after 6 months, the truth is he already knows—he’s just not admitting it to himself or telling you.”
The Timeline:
- Months 1-2: Evaluation. Weighing how he feels about the relationship. Experiences are creating space to figure out feelings.
- Months 3-4: Rationalization & Idealization. Imagining how life would look together. Starting to see a future.
- Months 5-6: Decision for Exclusivity. Reconciling and deciding whether to include you as a permanent part of his life.
Why this matters: If you’re past six months and still getting vague answers about the future, you have critical information. He may enjoy the relationship’s benefits, but he’s likely not emotionally invested in its success. He’ll coast while it suits him—but he’s looking for the exit.
The Five Love Languages offers no equivalent framework. You could “speak his language” perfectly for years while he strings you along, with no tools to recognize what’s actually happening.
5. Practical Application for Women in Relationships
The Five Love Languages
Application is simple: identify languages, speak accordingly. The book offers little guidance for:
- What to do when speaking his language doesn’t change anything
- How to evaluate if the relationship is actually progressing
- When to recognize you’re wasting time on someone who won’t commit
- How to have difficult conversations about the future
The Commitment Equation
Canyon provides actionable tools for women in relationships:
- Diagnostic assessment: Use the Relationship Experience Wheel to identify which area is causing problems. Is it emotional experiences? Financial alignment? Conflict patterns?
- Mixed signals interpretation: “Behavior is the highest form of communication.” Watch what he does, not what he says. Words and plans mean nothing without consistent behavioral investment.
- Timeline assessment: Where are you in the 6-month framework? What should be happening at this stage? Is his behavior consistent with genuine investment?
- Commitment conversation scripts: How to have “the talk” when you need clarity about where things are going
- Self-protection: How to recognize when you’re in a casual situationship disguised as a relationship—and what to do about it
Verdict: Love languages tells you how to express love. The Commitment Equation tells you how to evaluate whether your relationship is actually going somewhere—and what to do when it’s not.
6. Limitations of Each Framework
The Five Love Languages: Critical Gaps
- No commitment framework: Assumes commitment already exists or will emerge naturally
- No diagnostic tools: Can’t help you figure out why things aren’t working
- Can enable dysfunction: “If I just speak his language better” becomes an excuse to tolerate poor treatment indefinitely
- No timeline awareness: No framework for recognizing when you’re wasting time
- Scientific weakness: Core claims don’t hold up to empirical testing
The Commitment Equation: Potential Limitations
- Requires honest self-assessment: The framework only works if you’re willing to see things clearly
- Some truths are uncomfortable: Learning that six months of hesitation usually means “no” can be painful
- Part of a series: Full framework spans four books addressing different relationship stages
- Primarily targets women: Written specifically for women in heterosexual relationships
What Both Books Share
Despite their differences, both frameworks agree on fundamentals:
- Healthy relationships require intentional effort
- Understanding your partner’s needs matters
- Communication is essential
- Relationships require ongoing investment, not one-time decisions
The Verdict: Which Book Should You Read?
Read The Five Love Languages if:
- You’re in a committed marriage where both partners are genuinely invested
- Your primary issue is communication style, not commitment or progression
- You want a simple, easy-to-remember framework
Read The Commitment Equation if:
- You’re in a relationship that feels stagnant or isn’t progressing
- You’re getting mixed signals and need to understand what’s really happening
- You want to know why commitment isn’t happening—not just how to express love
- You need a framework for evaluating whether to stay or move on
- You want science-backed tools for nurturing commitment in existing relationships
Ratings Summary
The Five Love Languages
- Scientific Foundation: ★★☆☆☆ (2/5)
- Usefulness for Commitment Issues: ★★☆☆☆ (2/5)
- Framework Depth: ★★★☆☆ (3/5)
- Overall: ★★★☆☆ (2.5/5)
The Commitment Equation
- Scientific Foundation: ★★★★☆ (4/5)
- Usefulness for Commitment Issues: ★★★★★ (5/5)
- Framework Depth: ★★★★★ (5/5)
- Overall: ★★★★★ (4.5/5)
Conclusion: Expression vs. Progression
Here’s the bottom line: You can speak someone’s love language perfectly and still never get commitment.
Expression and commitment are different psychological processes. The Five Love Languages addresses expression. The Commitment Equation addresses why people actually decide to commit—and what happens when that decision isn’t being made.
If your relationship feels stuck, if you’re getting mixed signals, if “speaking his language” hasn’t changed the fundamental dynamic—the problem isn’t expression. The problem is that commitment requires something different.
It requires that the accumulated experiences in your relationship outweigh alternatives. It requires that he’s made the decision for exclusivity. It requires that you’ve moved through the phases from dating to initial relationship to genuine commitment.
The Commitment Equation gives you the tools to understand where you actually are in that progression—and what you can do about it.
Because the most fluent love language in the world won’t help you if the decision for commitment was never made.
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Are you in a relationship that feels stuck? Have you tried “speaking his language” only to find nothing changes? Share your experience in the comments.
For more resources on creating committed relationships, visit RelationshipClarity.com
